Not everyone wants to admit it, but every once in a great while, we all have one of those where we just, well...fail. Miserably. A day where you would have been better off if it had never existed. Today was one of those days for me.
My day started at 3am with my daughter crawling out of her crib and crying. After several attempt, she made it clear that sleep was not in her plans, so I did my best to just keep her quiet and calm. We have been dealing with some nap issues of late and she has been all out of whack, but this was too much. My husband and I spent most of our 6am hour converting her crib to a toddler bed, even though we are sooooo not ready for all that a toddler bed entails. To make a long story short, my daughter slept all of 30 minutes after 3am today. By 4:00pm, she was cranky, I was cranky, we were all tired, and I was losing my cool. I confiscated two of her toys because she was throwing them after repeatedly being told not to, she went in time-out twice, and when I tried to make her pick up her toys, she laid on the floor and laughed at me, I spanked her, she cried, and I needed to get out of the house and away from the madness for just a moment. I was going to snap.
So my dear husband allowed me a super quick errand trip. On my way home, of course all the songs I hear are about God's faithfulness and trials of this life. I lost it and started crying. Now I know you must think I'm some sort of whack job super-sensitive weirdo mommy with teeny tiny problems. But please understand that this is my life. This is my job. And I take it very seriously. And it affects me on a very deep, personal level that cannot be explained. So, yes, I sometimes cry about it. And I'm okay with that. Maybe you will read this blog post and think "Oh, honey, please. That's nothing, I do that everyday and smile about it." And to that I say good for you, you are amazing and I wish I had one percent of the strength that you do. But I do not. I must dissect every little detail and wallow in it until it becomes me. I've always been an internalizer and I will always be an internalizer. That is just how God made me. So, like I said, I sometimes cry about seemingly meaningless things. I was anxious and stressed about what bedtime would hold for us and was prepared for the absolute worst. Like toddler banging down her bedroom door and screaming bloody murder, worst. My stomach actually sank as we pulled into the garage tonight and I knew that bedtime was only minutes away. I put my unwilling daughter into her new big girl bed, and I did my best to soothe her. I had to "read" to her in near darkness until she finally drifted off to sleep (twice) deep enough that I was able to sneak out. My body was physically shaking when I came downstairs and I was almost afraid to breathe for fear of disturbing the peace. At one point after I came downstairs, we noticed her stirring on the video monitor. I thought well, here we go, here comes the screaming. My stomach sank again and I began to feel like I would throw up. I even got tears in my eyes. Raegan sat up for several moments, looked around, and then slowly cuddled back up into her favorite corner of the bed and fell back asleep soon after. Success and relief washed over me. And then the feeling of utter failure overtook me.
I felt like I failed today as a mom. I was not patient or kind or peaceful or self sacrificing with Raegan (well, ok maybe I was a LITTLE self sacrificing). I felt like I missed it entirely. God is teaching me something here, I know it, but I feel like today was a complete loss for me. I didn't get it. I cried. And in the midst of my tears, I asked God's forgiveness for being short with Raegan and feeling like I just wanted to shake her. I thanked God for his unconditional love for me, even when I am a complete failure and I do exactly the opposite of what I should do. I thanked him for always being patient and kind and loving. And I asked him to help me do better tomorrow. That I wouldn't miss the point next time. That I would embrace unconditional love for my daughter, even when she's not sleeping and screaming and doing everything BUT what I want her to do. And I thanked God for the small win tonight in Rae going to bed much better than anticipated. Even when I am a total failure at whatever lesson God is teaching me, God still loves me enough to give me a tiny blessing. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
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