Is it 4:30 yet???

Let me start this post by saying that I have an amazing husband.  He is attentive, a good listener, he actually talks about his feelings, he gives me great advice, he is a very present and great father, and he loves me unconditionally.  God has truly blessed me with him and I wouldn't trade him for the world.  But....lately it seems like my husband has been swamped with activities and projects.  I feel like every time he's coming home, it's only to turn right back around and walk out the door again.

Now I think I need to lay some background details here to really get my point across.  I am a stay at home mom to our beautiful 17 month old daughter.  My husband works full time for a great company in order to provide for us.  He leaves around 7 in the morning and gets home usually around 4:30 or 5.  As a mom being cooped up all day with a toddler, I really, really look forward to 4:30.  I chart my entire day around it, as if the day ends at 4:30 when daddy comes home and a whole new day starts.  It's my saving grace that I will have a helper at 4:30, I will have someone else (an adult) to talk to at 4:30, Raegan will have someone else to care for her and play with her at 4:30.  Yes, 4:30 is a great time in my house.

All that being said, it gets very difficult for me when my husband doesn't come home at 4:30.  Or he comes home, changes clothes, gives us a quick kiss, and blows out the door again.  Now, I will have to admit, his projects have been things that benefit him primarily, but also our family in the long run. And his other commitments are things that I am proud of him for doing and things that he probably should do.  But at the same time, I struggle with wanting him to spend time with his own family.  His family that sits at home waiting for him and longing for the moment that he comes home to us. It's kinda selfish, yes.  But he's my husband and Raegan's dad, shouldn't we come first?!  

And just this morning it kinda hit me.  Is this how my Jesus feels about me??  Do I really carve out enough time in my day to spend with my heavenly father?  Is He sitting there thinking "Mary, you spend countless hours cleaning, talking with friends, sitting on the computer......when are you going to spend some time with me?"  Ouch.  That reality hurts.  And the answer is that no, I don't spend enough time talking to Jesus everyday, telling him my joys, my angers, my worries, giving him praise for all the blessings he brings me everyday.  But I am going to make an effort to do so in the future.  I need that time with Him.  Have you ever noticed how when you spend some time quieting down and talk to Jesus how your whole day is kind of put into perspective and feels right?  That's not a coincidence.  I need to make Jesus a priority in my life just like I make my family a priority.  Jesus tells us this in the Bible and he only wants good things for us, so why shouldn't we believe him and act on it??

Prison much?

So I have been reading in Acts this past week.  Last night I read chapters 21-25.  Now, I'm no Bible scholar, so this is my interpretation of what has happened, so bear with me.  During these passages, Paul has been arrested in Jerusalem for speaking about Jesus. They hate him so much that while he is awaiting a decision for punishment, the population plans have him moved and to kill him while he is en route. This doesn't happen, but Ananias does move him to Caesarea to see Governor Felix and keep him safely out of harm's way.  So he goes there, tells his case to Felix, Felix can't really decide what to do with him, so he decides to keep him in Caesarea until his case can be heard by some other commander.  Then I come to this verse:
27After two years went by in this way, Felix was succeeded by Porcius Festus. And because Felix wanted to gain favor with the Jewish people, he left Paul in prison.

Are you kidding me?!  Two YEARS? And the guy just sits in prison, wasting away the day?  Does that seem crazy to anyone else, that it was possible back then to let something like this happen?  And from what I know of Paul, I don't think he was just sitting there quietly either.  It just blows my mind that this was part of God's plan for Paul, to sit in a prison waiting in limbo for two years.

are you bold enough?

"And now, O Lord, hear their threats and give us, your servants, great boldness in preaching your word.  Stretch out your hand with healing power; may miraculous signs and wonders be done through the name of your holy servant Jesus." Acts 4:29-30

This is a prayer that Peter and John prayed along with their mounting masses of new believers right after they were orders by the rulers and teachers of religious law to never again preach in the name of Jesus.  They felt the threats against them and asked God for great boldness in preaching his word.  They didn't ask for safety or that God would intervene and wipe out all of the religious leaders.  No. They saw the threats, they were afraid, but they asked God to make them extra bold while they continued to break the law and go against the rulings of the leaders.

How often do we pray like this??  I know I hardly ever do.  It doesn't even occur to me.  I pray for the things I want, or health for my family, or things that will make my life easier.  But I don't think I ever pray for boldness and courage to do whatever it is that God is calling me to do.  How different would my daily life be if I asked God for boldness?  I would probably be more likely to delve into the conversation of salvation with an acquaintance who dances around the questions.  Or I would probably be more likely to show love, kindness and compassion to those I encounter.  It kinda breaks my heart to think of all the situations in my life where I could have passed on the love of Jesus to people in my life, but I missed out because I wasn't bold enough.  I wasn't constantly asking God to make me bold and courageous in my everyday life.  2 Timothy 1:7 tells us that Jesus doesn't give us a spirit of timidity, but of POWER and love and discipline.  Where would we be and what would we be doing in the name of Jesus if we embrace this verse and a prayer for boldness and live it out everyday? I don't want to miss out on any more chances to share my Jesus with the world because of a lack of boldness and courage. What about you?

a gift often forgotten

“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid. John 14:27

I just read this verse in John this morning.  And it reminded me of something that I know I've felt all along, I just sometimes forget about it.  God has everything under control.  And he has given us a gift of peace of mind and heart so that we remember that he has everything in his hot little hands.  

Long ago, in another life it sometimes seems, I was not a worrier.  At all.  I worried so little, it was almost a fault.  Some took it as me not caring or being too lazy to plan, but I think that in my heart of hearts, I really just knew that things would work out and be okay and no amount of worrying on my part was going to change anything anyway, so why bother.  I was able to put away the things that others worried and fretted over - what am I going to wear? who is going to be at this gathering I'm going to? will I have enough time to get this all done? Will I arrive on time? - and just enjoy everything around me.  All the while truly knowing that everything is going to be okay.  Now I was pretty young, so I don't think I really recognized that is was God's peace in my heart.  But I see it now.  I know that that's what was going on - God was laying his hand on my heart all the time telling me "it's okay, there's no need to worry.  I've got this."  And I wholehearted believed it.  

We've all seen the person (or been the person) who doesn't believe that voice in their heart that things are going to be just fine.  Or maybe they don't even have that voice.  They are always planning. always scheduling, always double checking details and times and lists, always calling to confirm, always running around worrying and worrying.  Sometime they literally look heavy with the weight of worry.  You can see it in their eyes and on their faces.  They are begging for someone to grab them, shake them and say "Everything is fine, I've got this."  Sometimes I do this.  Now that I have a daughter, it seems that worrying has been playing a bigger and bigger role in my life.  (can I get an amen?)  I just can't seem to get a real firm grasp on that quiet voice that used to shout to me that things will be fine.  She's a little more muffled these days.  And usually it takes God speaking ever so gently through my husband who literally says to me "Babe, calm down.  It's going to be fine."  But if I would just remember before things go spinning out of control, that Jesus already shook me by the shoulders and told me he's got it all under control.  I just take it for granted and try to plan and worry my way around the days in my life.  What a waste of this amazing gift God gives to us.  

It is so easy to get caught up in the schedules and goings on of the day that we forget to take time to listen for that quiet voice.  To remember that Jesus knows what our lives are like.  He knows what's happening, what's not happening, who's there, who's not there.  He knows it all.  And he knew it all before he even created you and he created you anyway.  He loves us so much and wants us to experience the gift of peace of mind and heart that he gives us when we choose to follow him.  He doesn't want us wasting our precious moments worrying about things that we cannot control.  I think this verse is a reminder that we all need to hear everyday.  Is there someone in your life that you need to share this truth with?

the beginning.

For the last several weeks, I have been reading through the New Testament with my church.  We have a reading plan, 3ish chapters a day for 90 days.  It started out as something that our LifeGroup was doing and I thought, hey, I’ve never really followed through on that, so this will be a good opportunity for it.  That was the end of my thought process.  That’s it.  I gave no thought whatsoever to the challenge that it would be for me.  Not only the challenge it is to find a solitary 30 or so minutes each day to carve out time for reading the words, but also the challenge of paying attention to what’s being communicated and how I am being called to act on it. Turns out I should have seen how deep the water was before I dove in head first. Yikes.

In the last few days really, I have found a deeper connection to the words on the page.  It’s not just words and it’s not just how many chapters I’ve got under my belt.  This is GOD talking.  To me.  Me. He’s telling me what he wants from me as a follower of Christ.  How I am supposed to act, think, talk, pray.  Everything.  I’ve read most of these words here and there many times before throughout my life, but it’s never really had a life changing impact on me.  I read the words and I understand and I’m knowledgeable.  I know what God wants, what He expects, and I can pin point areas where I need to change or learn or grow.  But that’s where it ends. I don’t actually change or learn or grow.  Sure, I’ve knocked out foul language and partying and things like that over the years, but really, truly change?  Not really.  I still have all of the same gut reactions and thoughts I've always had.  I’m stagnant.  The worst possible action for Christian.  No action. 

So I've decided to use my time with God’s word everyday to help me change.  To actually grow.  And I’m counting on God’s words to help change my heart in the following areas:

Anger

            I get so angry.  Over nothing.  I go from 0-60 in a matter on seconds.  One little thing goes wrong and I blow it.  And the whole day is useless.  Issues with Raegan and sleeping, speaking hurtfully and hatefully to Jesse.  I take my anger out on Jesse or Raegan.  The exact people who should be feeling my love all of the time.

Stress/Worry

            Sometimes this goes hand in hand with anger.  I stress about schedules and juggling things and arriving on time.  I worry about the same things.  Then I get angry when they don’t go as planned.  I detest the feeling of being stressed and anxious to the point I will snap (who doesn't ) and I really think that God hates that for me too.

Identity

            Like many women, I tend to try to find my identity in the dumbest and most incorrect places.  My appearance, acquiring “things”, my home, my daughter, my relationship with my husband.  All things that will end up leaving me not feeling good enough.  I should be looking to Jesus for my identity, not the world.  I didn’t even realize this was as big an issue as it is until I listened to a podcast from Perry Noble on the Lies Women Believe today.  A big thanks to my husband for recommending that one to me. :/

I have no idea what God is going to do through this journey.  But I’m excited to find out.