Today I failed

Not everyone wants to admit it, but every once in a great while, we all have one of those where we just, well...fail.  Miserably.  A day where you would have been better off if it had never existed.  Today was one of those days for me.

My day started at 3am with my daughter crawling out of her crib and crying.  After several attempt, she made it clear that sleep was not in her plans, so I did my best to just keep her quiet and calm.  We have been dealing with some nap issues of late and she has been all out of whack, but this was too much.  My husband and I spent most of our 6am hour converting her crib to a toddler bed, even though we are sooooo not ready for all that a toddler bed entails.  To make a long story short, my daughter slept all of 30 minutes after 3am today.  By 4:00pm, she was cranky, I was cranky, we were all tired, and I was losing my cool.  I confiscated two of her toys because she was throwing them after repeatedly being told not to, she went in time-out twice, and when I tried to make her pick up her toys, she laid on the floor and laughed at me, I spanked her, she cried, and I needed to get out of the house and away from the madness for just a moment. I was going to snap.

So my dear husband allowed me a super quick errand trip.  On my way home, of course all the songs I hear are about God's faithfulness and trials of this life.  I lost it and started crying.  Now I know you must think I'm some sort of whack job super-sensitive weirdo mommy with teeny tiny problems.  But please understand that this is my life.  This is my job.  And I take it very seriously.  And it affects me on a very deep, personal level that cannot be explained.  So, yes, I sometimes cry about it.  And I'm okay with that.  Maybe you will read this blog post and think "Oh, honey, please.  That's nothing, I do that everyday and smile about it."  And to that I say good for you, you are amazing and I wish I had one percent of the strength that you do.  But I do not.  I must dissect every little detail and wallow in it until it becomes me.  I've always been an internalizer and I will always be an internalizer.  That is just how God made me.  So, like I said, I sometimes cry about seemingly meaningless things. I was anxious and stressed about what bedtime would hold for us and was prepared for the absolute worst.  Like toddler banging down her bedroom door and screaming bloody murder, worst.  My stomach actually sank as we pulled into the garage tonight and I knew that bedtime was only minutes away.  I put my unwilling daughter into her new big girl bed, and I did my best to soothe her.  I had to "read" to her in near darkness until she finally drifted off to sleep (twice) deep enough that I was able to sneak out.  My body was physically shaking when I came downstairs and I was almost afraid to breathe for fear of disturbing the peace.  At one point after I came downstairs, we noticed her stirring on the video monitor.  I thought well, here we go, here comes the screaming.  My stomach sank again and I began to feel like I would throw up.  I even got tears in my eyes.  Raegan sat up for several moments, looked around, and then slowly cuddled back up into her favorite corner of the bed and fell back asleep soon after.  Success and relief washed over me.  And then the feeling of utter failure overtook me.

 I felt like I failed today as a mom.  I was not patient or kind or peaceful or self sacrificing with Raegan (well, ok maybe I was a LITTLE self sacrificing). I felt like I missed it entirely. God is teaching me something here, I know it, but I feel like today was a complete loss for me.  I didn't get it.  I cried. And in the midst of my tears, I asked God's forgiveness for being short with Raegan and feeling like I just wanted to shake her. I thanked God for his unconditional love for me, even when I am a complete failure and I do exactly the opposite of what I should do.  I thanked him for always being patient and kind and loving.  And I asked him to help me do better tomorrow.  That I wouldn't miss the point next time.  That I would embrace unconditional love for my daughter, even when she's not sleeping and screaming and doing everything BUT what I want her to do.  And I thanked God for the small win tonight in Rae going to bed much better than anticipated.  Even when I am a total failure at whatever lesson God is teaching me, God still loves me enough to give me a tiny blessing.  And for that, I am eternally grateful.

Bedroom makeover!!

In December of last year, I set out to find a new comforter/bedding set for our bed.  I got in way over my head and I think I lost half of my hair and returned quite a few sets, but I finally found a set that I liked and that was in our price range.  I used that as a starting point to give our bedroom a makeover.  We were still using a comforter that was Jesse's when he moved out of his parents' house and everything in the room was tan or some form of tan and felt so manly.  I wanted to dress it up a bit. And I must say, I am very happy with the results (as is the hubs). And I am also quite certain that one can redo just about any room in your house just by shopping at Hobby Lobby.  It is the BEST store on this planet.  Here are a couple before shots...after the new bedding, but before new decor:

 And here are the after shots:

Over the bed decor - all from Hobby Lobby

Turquoise curtains from Hobby Lobby

jewelry rack

My favorite piece! Jewelry rack from Hobby Lobby.  It was even half off :)

Gass vase from TJ Maxx

Close-up of fabric

Pillows: Turquoise chevron cover from The Hob, other 2 are from TJ Maxx.

 Almost everything you see was purchase at Hobby Lobby, one of my most favorite stores.  The bedding came from Sears, the blue glass vase from TJ Maxx and the turquoise spray inside it from The Square Nest, a local shop in Morton.  The only thing left to add is a swag over the window that I made using leftover fabric from the frames above the headboard. (No added expense!) I also would like to recover the lampshades with the royal blue fabric I used in the frames, but I haven't been back to The Hob for that.  It will probably cost another $10.  Still, a lot cheaper than buying new lampshades!

Total expenses were $146.50, and I even sold our old curtains and pillows for $18, so really the total is $128.50.  Not too shabby for what feels like a complete makeover to me!  Happy Hobby Lobby-ing everyone!

drive a momma crazy

Let me start this post by saying that my daughter (now 21 months old) has never been a great napper.  She arrived in our lives very alert and didn't sleep as often as most newborn babies.  We spent the first 6 or so months of her life getting used to the fact that she only slept about 30 minutes at a time. She went through a period where she would sleep about an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon, but shortly after we got used to that, when she was about 15 months old, she dropped her morning nap.  We struggled back and forth with the time she spent sleeping in the afternoon; sometimes she would sleep 30-45 minutes, other times she would sleep over an hour.

For the past several months, however, she has been sleeping about 75-90 minutes in the afternoons, and sometimes will play for another 30 minutes after waking up.  Until about 4 days ago. She has been throwing her blanky (the one she can't go to sleep without) out of her crib the instant she stands up.  She started doing it on wednesday.  She woke up after about an hour and instantly threw her blanket out of her crib.  And of course she cried.  So I got her up.  The next day, same thing.  On Friday, she slept for maybe 30 minutes, then got up, tossed the blanky, and started crying.  I left her in there for about 20 minutes, then I got her up.  Yesterday and today have been the worst.  She tells us she's tired, I put her to bed, then within 5 minutes, she is up and crying.  Yesterday she threw her blanket out, I gave her about 25 minutes, then I went in and gave it to her again.  I knelt by the crib, handed her the blanky and said "Don't throw it out again. It's time to go ni-night." and I left the room.  Screaming ensued, of course, and after about 10 minutes, my husband went in and got her up.  Today is an exact repeat, however we put both of her blankies in her crib with her.  SO far, she has only tossed the one.  We are trying very hard to stick to our guns here and not go in to get her up.  First of all, I WANT HER TO GET SOME REST, for crying out loud.   Second, we are both fans of sleep training.  It worked so great with her at bedtime - she has slept 12+ straight hours at night since she was 6 months old (minus one or two nights when she was sick) and goes to bed willingly since we started sleep training.  And we think the same principles apply at naptime.  If we keep going in to give her a blanky or let her get up or whatever, she quickly learns what to do to get what she wants.  But uugghhh, I'm really struggling here!  I'm not sure what has flipped the switch in her but I'm just so frustrated.  I will say that she has had a bit of a cold this past week, so that may play a part.  And she seems to go through small spurts where her daytime sleep gets severely out of whack for a week or so, then she gets back to normal.  So maybe this is a similar out-of-whack situation and I will be back to singing her praises next week.  But geesh.  Drive a momma crazy.  I will keep you posted on her sleeping patterns (or lack thereof) in the upcoming days.  In the meantime, let us remind ourselves how cute this sometimes frustrating little being really is.....

the stairs are one of her favorite hangouts

wearing her snow coat inside and posing for pictures with her cousin

cuddled in daddy's chair with her "big blanky" and some juice

even with stickers all over her face and disheveled hair, this stinker is one of my favorite things.

Clean Eating Day 2 & Cross Fit Day 8

Last night was my husband's SECOND night trying Cross Fit!  Wahoo!!!  I thought for sure he would want the night off, but to my surprise, he met me at the stairs after I put our daughter to bed and said, ok what workout are we doing tonight?  Which is saying a lot because was super tired when he came home from work yesterday.  Bless his little heart.  And he is even attempting this clean eating deal with me, to some extent.  I know, I know, he's a keeper.

So here was my workout last night:

4 rounds each of
10 step ups
10 kettle swings
10 squats
10 sit-ups

My time was 5:13 (although I switched to just kettle swings and no squats half way through...my thighs were screamin'!)

Hubby's workout:

10 burpees
15 push-ups
15 sit-ups

His time was 10:01

Now....as far as the new diet.  Yesterday was ok, until after dinner time. (here is the meal plan if you missed it in my earlier post)  I attempted breakfast, but it was just so much food for 7:30 in the morning, so I only ate half of it.  I did not eat the first snack since we were running errands and I didn't get too hungry.  But I ate the snack with my lunch since I did not have any chicken to put on my salad.  Lunch kept me surprisingly full.  I didn't really get hungry again until around 3pm, when I ate the second snack.  Dinner was delicious, but my husband was still hungry after it and I ended up hungry by bedtime.  But neither of us did any snacking. Hubs said one thing he is working on with this health movement effort is knowing how much to eat and when to stop eating.  He claims he always eats until he feels full, then continues to get stuffed since your brain is always catching up to your tummy.  So he says it is doing him some good to experience real hunger pains.

Today I am trying to really hit the water hard.  Drinking more water will make you feel full, which is something I struggled with yesterday.  Hopefully this does the trick.  I'm a little more excited about today's meals though.  Here is a sneak peek of my delicious breakfast....

Yumm!! I'm so excited for the rest of my day!!

I think I can eat clean....

The same friend of mine who turned me on to Cross Fit has been on a kick this year with clean eating.  You know, organic, healthy, no additive, whole foods.  Another friend of ours even claims that this clean eating has solved the eczema problem she has been dealing with her entire life. (Wow!) I was very, very skeptical at first, but when I heard about that fact, I started paying attention.  And I started wondering how "fake" foods may be affecting my life as well.

I have dealt with chronic headaches for just about my entire life.  It started in high school and has been a battle ever since.  I wake up with them, get them in the middle of the day, go to bed with them, everything.  They range from tension headaches to almost migraines to pain that starts in my neck and moves to my head.  I even can get a headache from holding my head in a certain position for too long. It is quite frustrating, to say the least. So when my friends started saying how eating clean helped some of the body problems they've had all their lives, I began to wonder if it could help me.

So, starting tomorrow, I am doing a detox and clean eating diet for 3-5 days.  The meal plan I found gives a 3 day breakdown of breakfast, lunch, dinner and two snacks in-between meals.  It focuses on drinking plenty of water and eating real, whole, natural foods.  I'm going to try it (although I am allowing myself black coffee in the mornings) for 3, possibly 5 days.  The author claims that you will feel results within the first day. So we will see how I am feeling and I might continue the rest of the week.  It is very uncommon for me to go without a headache for 5 days, so I would think that, if I don't have any headaches, there may be some validity to this whole idea that clean eating can affect how your body feels. I mean, after all, you are what you eat, right?  I'm not saying it will be easy.  In fact, I have a cabinet full of Reese's Eggs and Kit-Kats that will be taunting me and eventually become the bane of my existence over the next 3 days.  But I am willing to try anything for a few days if it means I may find a cure for my incessant headaches. Stay tuned!!

day 6!

Today's WOD:

For time:
10 burpees
20 squats
30 push-ups
20 squats
10 burpees

My time was 3:05.  My husband is going to join me tonight for his very first round!  I really hope he likes it so that I will have a workout partner again. :)

Day 4

Yeatredy was my rest day. It was nice to nurse my sore kettlebell swingin' legs! Holy ouch. They were easy at the time but they must be very effective because I was definitely sore later.

Today I did 4 rounds of the following for time:
10 step ups
10 kettle swings
10 push ups
10 sit ups

My time was 5:10 and my heart was pumpin' like crazy!

I have really been wanting to try knees to elbows but I do not have a pull up bar. But I DO have a friend that is willing to lend me theirs. Stay tuned to see if I fall and can't get up!!